Porn Doesn't Have to Be the Norm
by Omar Miranda
I am a recovering sex and pornography addict. What does that mean? Simply put, it means that I no longer knowingly and purposefully look at pornography or have sexual relations with anybody other than my wife. It does not mean that the temptations stop, but it does mean that when I’m tempted, I am able to make the choice not to engage in those sinful, damaging, and dangerous behaviors. It is through a daily connection and relationship with God and through the power of His Holy Spirit that I am able to overcome.
Sex is a wonderful gift from God. It cements a husband and wife together and brings them closer to each other and to God; but the devil has twisted the wonderful gift that God has given us and has promised us the illusion of intimacy—but there is a high price to pay. God created the marriage relationship between one man and one woman to contain healthy sexuality; any other way to have sex is dangerous to one or both parties and can cement people to the wrong kinds of things. Pornography offers intimacy at the cost of a real working relationship.
Someone who becomes addicted to pornography begins to see people simply as a means to an end for their personal satisfaction. Pornography at its core is a selfish act, and the only focus of the person looking at it is to receive those feel-good “drugs.”
Addiction is a process, and pornography is extremely addictive. Healthy, intimate, godly relationships take a lot of work. For a man to get to a woman’s body—in a healthy relationship—he must first have her heart. The ultimate intimacy shared by a man and a woman in a godly, committed, married relationship is a deep intimacy—most clearly culminating and cemented through the sexual act; but pornography has turned this on its head. The purpose of a pornographic relationship is not true and deeper intimacy, but the feeling of intimacy without any of the work! It’s sex for sex’s sake, and that’s when it becomes hurtful to self, God, and others.
Addictiveness of porn
Pornography is addictive because it simulates the sexual act, which is a pleasurable act. When we have sex, see people having sex, or see naked people, our brain produces natural drugs called endorphins. They make us feel good, and we want more.
Addiction happens, in part, because of chemical changes in the brains and bodies of those who are engaged in these behaviors. A lot of times people tell me that they were interested “just because” or that they accidentally looked at it. Not everybody who looks at porn will get addicted, but many people are predisposed to addictions and do get caught up; in other words, some people, because of how they were raised—what happened to them, or is happening to them, in their families—are left with emotional wounds or an emptiness that they are looking to fill. It’s very complicated, but the important thing to think about is this: What kind of relationship do you have with your mom, your dad, and with God? The answers to these three questions will be very important. Looking at porn is not the root of the problem; it is the fruit. People look at porn because they’re hurting. It’s a kind of escape, an emotional Band-Aid, like drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of addiction. It’s our human way of trying to heal ourselves. The problem is that it’s a Band-Aid on a bullet hole, and we are emotionally and spiritually bleeding out. The only thing that will ultimately fix it is emotional and spiritual surgery. The only way that that will happen is to see a counselor who’s experienced in this sort of thing; that—and a lot of prayer, Bible study, and reading specific books that will give you the proper knowledge that you need to get and stay healthy.
But porn is not sex; porn is a cheap substitute for the beautiful act of sex between a husband and wife, and we have the devil to thank for it! All this feels real good, and your brain gets programmed to look at this stuff again and again to get that same high. When this happens, watch out! You’re in for the fight of your life. Research studies done with rats, mice, and other animals have proved that animals would rather receive the pleasurable feelings related to these brain chemicals than eat—and they end up dying! Now, I’m not saying that you will die, but you could end up connecting with porn rather than connecting with your friends or your God.
Process of addiction
The process of addiction is no surprise. In fact, it makes a lot of sense. This is the way we get used to anything.
1. Interested: This is where our problems begin. Remember we said that porn is a cheap substitute? We will naturally be drawn to sex because God gave us a sex drive, but when we let our curiosity get the better of us outside of the confines of marriage, we’re in for some serious trouble!
2. Addicted: Remember, with consistent and purposeful exposure to this stuff, you can get addicted in two short months—and then you will struggle with this stuff for a lifetime!
3. Desensitized: The more you look, the more you look. The more you look, the more you want. As with any addict, the first time is always the greatest! I can remember the first time I looked at something: it was like somebody shocked me with an electric current. I remember it running down my spine and into my arms and legs! But the next time I looked at pornography, I needed to look at it longer to receive that same feeling. I ended up having to find stuff that was new and different, and ultimately I started looking at some really weird stuff! The Bible talks about this pretty clearly in Romans 1. But that wasn’t enough; I ended up going to the next stage . . . and so will you if you continue this habit! If not with a real person, it may be over the phone, or in a chat room, or worse still, you may decide that you want to start having sex with people . . . by force (that’s called rape!). If you are feeling as though the stuff you’re looking at is boring to you or that you need to start acting out with live people, please get help today!
4. Acting out: This is the ultimate end to the problem of addiction. When you reach this stage, the sky is the limit. I’ve met teenagers who have reached this point and have ruined their lives, the lives of their parents, and the lives of other people as well. If you are presently having sex that started with a pornography addiction, please get help. Your life may depend on it!
If you’re involved with porn, your attention, focus, and ultimately your allegiance is split. And if your heart is focused on something or someone else, that greatly affects God’s ability to use you. The bottom line is that if you think you’re addicted to this stuff, then you probably are. But take heart—Jesus died to give you and me freedom! With Him, people addicted to porn can gain victory over it!
God freed me from an incredibly vicious addiction to sex and pornography, and He can do the same for you—if you let Him. Here are six things that you can do today to get free and remain free and clean from porn addiction:
Squashing porn addiction
1. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you have a problem.
2. Confess your sin to God and ask for His forgiveness. Once He has given it, believe Him! First John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (NIV).
3. Be accountable to another person. Tell someone you can trust about your addiction. Proverbs 27:17: “Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other” (CEV). Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10: “You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone, because then you will get more enjoyment out of what you earn. If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble” (CEV). Galatians 6:1, 2: “My friends, you are spiritual. So if someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path. But watch out, and don’t be tempted yourself. You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand” (CEV). James 5:16: “If you have sinned, you should tell each other what you have done. Then you can pray for one another and be healed” (CEV).
4. Dispose of all pornographic material and any gateway material. For example: music, romantic novels (even “Christian” ones), magazines, etc. Matthew 5:27-30: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell” (NIV).
5. Change your thought patterns; then your behavior will change as well. Romans 12:2: “Don’t be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think. Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to him” (CEV).
6. Pray about your problem and read your Bible daily. Connect with God every day and rely on Him for deliverance and strength. John 15:4, 5: “Stay joined to me, and I will stay joined to you. Just as a branch cannot produce fruit unless it stays joined to the vine, you cannot produce fruit unless you stay joined to me. I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you stay joined to me, and I stay joined to you, then you will produce lots of fruit. But you cannot do anything without me” (CEV).
God wants us to ultimately be free from any addiction—but especially from this one—so we can focus our attention on loving Him more and sharing that love with others.
Resources:
1. Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, with Mike Yorkey, Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (Colorado Springs, Colo.: WaterBrook Press, 2002).
2. Mark Laaser, Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004).
3. https://fightthenewdrug.org/: A comprehensive website dealing with the issues of pornography and pornography addiction.
